4 December 2014

When I was kid, I never know what is the meaning of "sayang" between two different sex. Then I grew up and I met a lot of people. First I was dreaming to have a cute and charming guy and hope he can give me the things I needed, especially love. I learned every mistake, and I realized I met the wrong guy. Life continues with bumping with another guy, and other guy and other guy until I got a big slapped which make me realized they were nothing to me. All this while I thought seeking the right one is easy, but I was wrong. Indeed, you don't need a charming guy, rich and so on, because those are not gonna define your happiness. Actually you only need someone who sees you as who you are. Well of course never give up. Never mad at you. Full of surprise. Accompany you like every single time. Back then, I let someone who is truly love me go. Now lesson learned, I never make the same mistake. 

30 November 2014

Dear people, if I keep telling you how sad and depress I am thinking about how you treat me and saying that "bitch em not giving a fuck" it's actually really stupid of me showing the dumbest part of myself. I kept watching how you react on what I've done or even when I'm doing my job now as a normal girl. I'm writing this down and in hope you'll be aware of what you've set on your damn mind. I'm not good at telling people and express what's really in my heart, I know it would be the third world war if I ever tell you that, it's better to keep everything inside even some people say 'tell the truth even it's bitter', it's probably not me. If you don't even like how I live my life then just go fuck yourself because it's my life and you're not the boss of me, you're not me, you're not even in my shoes. Yes I'm tired watching you people, stop care about me if you're about to hate everything I do because I won't stop. I've seen a lot of people, they're just stop talking to me because of a minor problem. I might say it's stupid but I did that too. I get hurt, well most of the time actually when I saw people treat me differently than others. I found it so weird because who the fuck I am to you, I'm your friends too, closed friends, but I got to open my eyes and see the world, it's moving not stay at one place. I know some of my friend never agree and couldn't accept my actions or my behavior. Maybe they're just don't like with who I am friends with, or maybe they're not really like when I'm close with their friends. How should I know, their smile hide everything. Just one question, is it wrong to friends with your friends? Tell you what people took my friends away from me and they didn't even give my friends back. If I'm the jerk, definitely i'll use them, ask them to bring me to the expensive store, use their money, ask them to buy me this, that and so on. People get me wrong so quick. I'm having a tough year, (every year) it's all because of friends. I stop befriend with others' friends since the war between me and my friends 4months ago. Getting tired, nobody sees the good, they're just can't stop seeking the bad of a person. I'm not blaming anybody, just think like adult, I know you can. Last but not least people, I choose to not care anymore. Goodnight 

Thoughts

Got a big slapped again this time. I can't lie I'm suck at it. I'm totally not good at it, and if only I want to lie to someone I'll end it up by telling the truth. I cannot do something that is really not from the bottom of my heart. I'm sorry if I was the one who started it back then, but trust me if you don't give anything and not putting high hopes on people, you'll never lose them. I rather seeing myself hurt that hurting people around me. Don't feel sorry, I'm used to it and it's fine. I wouldn't mine as long as we are together like we used to, like the first time we met. I've lost so many people. Friendships and relationships always start off so fun and then turn into suck-a-bag-of-dicks. I want something different, I don't want to keep overthinking about the same shits. I don't want people put high hope on me, because all this time I'm the one who cannot make it work. I need people around me, closed and there for me. The only way I can know that I'm not alone. I've closed my heart for quite long till now. To love I still can't, to "sayang" yes I will :) 

24 November 2014

It's not me, it's my heart. My heart won't let the door open. To be the one for someone ain't easy if you don't have a strong heart. I don't have it. I change my mind easily, my feelings fade easily. Actions change everything, I'm not like other girls. I'm sorry if I've had gave hopes. I love people easily, but I don't love you that way. Not love that everyone wants. Dearself, you're just not ready to be someone's. You're afraid of getting hurt. No one wants, it's painful. I'm so sad and a bit upset because I've done it again. I'm such a jerk, I deserve nobody. I kept giving them hopes. I didn't meant to, they're just being so nice. I'm not taking advantages.. God knows everything. I swear to God, I love everyone just not fully love them, because I'm just not ready. Thank you for your time reading this people :) 

23 November 2014

It's been 2 years, for a girl like me who has live without a special one or in the other words Mr. Right. Along the two years, of course there were a few guys I met and crush on. I tried to let my heart open for each of them, but couldn't work. Am I that choosy? I don't think that I am, because I do make the evaluation to make sure he can be the right one. For the first year after spm I found this guy, he being nice, sweet. Unfortunately I can't, because I heard he judging people based on the appearance. Next I met a guy who is charming, and I think all the girls out there would fall in love with him because he's handsome, but pretty face doesn't guarantee your happiness, he's such a jerk. There comes a year where I met another guy, very unexpected because at first I didn't realized he's into me, till I read a notes about me which he wrote. He's a very nice guy, he used to be a quiet, and shy guy. Well I didn't give any good respond so he stopped liking me. Actually that was a good way because don't let your heart and your feeling hurt just because of her, if she doesn't like you, make the first step and go. Lately, I've been out and spent my time with a new guy friend. He's not really my friend, he's one of my girl's friend. I really don't expect we both can be closed as now. He's such a good friend, caring, he has a sense of humor which I can't stop laughing my ass out with his fucking hilarious jokes. He knew everything, how to make me laugh, coax me, cheer me up. I won't lie and I do love him but not more than a bestguyfriend because I'm not ready. I'm easy to love but fall in love, not really in my plans. I wait no one in my life, I'm just done of being hurt. Plus I need to focus on what I've started. I love everyone... 

For you

Start with until when? When all this things going to end? Aku tak minta semua masalah ni jadi and nobody wants. I'm might say I'm tired with my life, everything seems so wrong. Aku bukan siapa-siapa, aku bukan yang paling baik nor paling hebat. I've flaws, life aku up and down but most of the time, down. Aku penat bermain dengan instinct sebab instinct aku betul. Bila aku start berfikir, aku fikir jauh. Aku mudah lupa, aku buat sesuatu yang mungkin menyakitkan orang sekeliling aku. I'm the worst, sampai lah orang lain bagitahu kesilapan aku tu. Terlalu ramai orang yang dah aku sakit kan. Come to think of it, orang yang paling makan hati dengan aku selama ni, mak. Seterusnya, Abah and abang-abang. Kemudian, kawan rapat aku, either kawan lama or kawan baru. Berjuta kali aku mohon ampun dekat diorang, tapi semua tu tak akan hilang kan all the pain, and the scars that I've made. Aku ada sorang kawan, yang bagitahu aku ni " kau ade hidup kau sendiri, kalau orang lain tak ada untuk kau, kau ingat kau ade mak abah kau, abang-abang and kawan-kawan, and aku " . Takkan pernah aku lupa semua tu, and abang aku pernah bagitahu " kawan ramai mana pun, susah dia takkan ade, kecuali keluarga kau." . mak selalu pesan " kalau orang buat kau macam tu jangan kau duduk diam, angkat kaki tinggal kan semua tu, kau fikir diri and perasaan kau, buat apa kau fikirkan orang macam tu" . dan hati aku cakap " aku takut dengan apa yang aku fikir, aku tak nak orang salah faham dengan aku dan aku tak nak dingin dengan siapa siapa, sebab aku sayang orang yang pernah ade untuk aku susah dan senang, tapi pada masa yang sama aku nak juga fikir perasaan aku instead of orang lain". Hanya Allah yang faham apa yang aku rasa sekarang. Mungkin dah terlalu lama aku lupakan DIA. Aku lupa nak tunduk, lupa nak angkat tangan aku. Sekarang ni aku terlalu down and I miss mom dad and my siblings so much it hurts. I'm sorry dear friends and family, Ya Allah, Engkau ampun kan dosa aku, terhadap rakan-rakan ku, mak Abah, Abang-abang, and ampun kan dosa mereka terhadap aku. 

Hahaha 😒

Guess what I've deleted almost half of my cerita yang agak mengarut dalam ni. I guess that wasn't important. So now I'm so sumbat, while waiting my friends to come and start hiking let's listen to some cool music. Okay that's it. xx